A friend is what I could use now adays.. It sucks being alone all of the time and being known as the anti-social one of the group. My dilemma, how do I fit it? Who is going to try to talk to me for a change? Ask about my day and life? You promised. You said you’d be there for me when I’m alone and sad. Well where were you tonight as I left in tears? The tears that you caused me. The most you said to me was “I cherish our friendship.” Then you brought up your soon to be girlfriend because I wasn’t good enough for you… Why? Why do you lie and say you’ll be there if you won’t when I need you most? I’m tired of being the one that looks like they don’t have friends when you leave.. I just want to fit in like everyone else.. I don’t see how it is fair that I have to include everyone in my business and conversations but no one will do the same for me..
I write about him a lot.. of course in hidden context, but I think it is time to just get this over with.. I like Peter Momjian. I think he is amazing. No one will read this and honestly I am quite thankful but it is nice just to put in out there where I know that it is possible for someone to see it just won’t go looking for it. Most of my more recent posts are regarding this amazing guy that likes a girl named Vivi. I am jealous. I’m glad I can admit that too… Do I want to stop liking him? no. Should I? Probably. We will see how it goes. Should I tell him? ugh.. Well I feel better getting that out of my system.
I have been ditched… Maybe you fell asleep… i hope that is the case.. I hate that you say “Talk later” When you won’t or it will be a “Hey can’t talk long” I just miss you… probably only up to email her… Am I the bad one in this? Am I what is keeping you two from being together?… Never thought about that… yikes…. Now I’m getting anxiety… I hope that is not the case… Just want to feel something again… I want that fire in my heart going again and you’re the one person besides God that can get it started.. I wish we never stopped where we were… I guess it might be time to move on even though I was advised not to be your sister.. Ugh… I am an idiot. and I feel like a homewrecker… :(
I get excited to see you… Overly excited. Is that bad? Would you consider me being obsessed? I feel so dumb. But I feel like I… love you.. That’s crazy right? I mean when a person gets that excited and nervous around you. is that love? It’s weird to think I love you. Maybe I just find you to be a best friend..Sigh… I even get EXTREMELY jealous. It’s not easy competing with a girl as pretty as her. I hate the thought of how I lost you to the brand new toy. What I don’t get is how you can talk to me EVERY night and not like me… That really SUCKS. why can’t you like me?.. Can’t you see how much I like you by now? Can’t you see the twinkle in my eye that only you could give me? Are you oblivious? or ignoring it on purpose? you’ll never know the more I hold it in. why I am writing this for no one but myself to read is stupid. You’ll never see this or even know it exists.. Should I copy and paste it to you?… I won’t. You should see me right before you call me.. pacing around the house just waiting in anticipation to hear your calming voice. You make me forget about everything else.. my anxiety, my family, my life, and useless drama.. If I could spend everyday with you I would. Listening to all of the fascinating things you have done that I would never even consider doing.. Why am I torturing myself?…I feel so stupid… I should just tell you like Adam said…
Ever like someone so much it hurt? Everything they do is interesting? Anyone they’re with you wish you were them? Didn’t want to look at anyone else when they are there? Would do anything to just talk to them for just a minute? The sound of the voice gives you chills? Just wish they’d tell you they feel the same? Cry when you think about how much they don’t like you ? Give them a goofy nickname? Have interesting debates with them? Can joke around and be yourself around them? Would give up anything for them? Would do something outrageous to get just a glance? Stay up all night just thinking about them? Begin to have dreams about them? I have that. I wish I didn’t but I do. I’m fucked…
I shouldn’t have fallen as hard as I did, The thought of it makes me feel like a little kid, Getting your hopes up to not be told, That he doesn’t want his love to be sold, I lay in the dark tears filling up my eyes, I’m fucking tired of all of these good-byes, I need an escape but cutting isn’t smart, Hell I could do it and make it look like an art, Shouldn’t have told people about how I felt, I guess he had some tricks tucked under his belt, I should have seen this, why do I go through all that this is, My eyes are hurting, maybe it’s because of all of the flirting, I shouldn’t have fallen as hard as I did, I regret it now and just wish I was a kid.
I sit outside just listening and watching to the world pass me by. It’s just me and god at this point. He doesn’t realize what’s going on… He doesn’t realize he’s not the greatest thing that has ever happened to me. He lies to me and says I am. I have been depressed, but no one gives a fuck to notice it. Ive been separating myself from everyone… I have a decision to make. 1. Stay with him and see if things change. 2. Leave him and watch everything I have crash and burn and him possibly kill himself. No one gets that though. The pressure to stay with him is like an anchor in my head and my heart. He thinks he’s doing something wrong. Not true. It’s me. I have worries and anxiety… I love him. I don’t want to lose him. But is it really love I feel? As I sit here I’m watching the happy people and kids play. Wishing I could still be one of them I just keep thinking in silence. He knows we have to talk. When we do he’ll prob. Dump me. Kill me… My silence is broken yet I haven’t spoken. No one knows that I feel this way. He’d be destroyed…. I guess we will have to see what happens…. :/
Wanting to go to see a graduation of one of your heroes instead of a wedding must be frowned upon in this world. I have told people over and over again that marriages can end but graduating high school can’t! It’s like not being able to see your best friend at one of their award ceremonies.. I just can’t stand the thought of me wearing a dress,faking a smile, being around people that I have a hatred for. The one who has never given up on me is graduating and me being one of the less important ones doesn’t get to go see her get her diploma :( I just hope she knows I’ll be cheering for her from a far… Loudly. I’m so proud of them both! Just wishing they would let me go without anyone saying that with an extra ticket so and so could go..good night… -britt.
Why do we question love? Why do we second guess ourselves? I had 3 people come up to me today and say oh I like this guy/ girl but they will never know… They dont realize that unless you try of course they will never know. Any one that knows me knows that I’m not afraid of guys anymore I will have the courage to go up and ask them out or tell them how I feel. 3 fucking girls today! ” oh he’s so hot I like him sooo much!” my only reply was why don’t you tell them? They didnt like that answer… Back to square one. Now trying to convince this awesome guy who knows I like him ^^ hint hint! To get a tumblr it deffinately helps your stress go away.. I hope he listens. See people don’t listen to me though. My advice will go in one ear and out the other of most people… See when we second guess ourselves that’s when we become pessimists who put the worst scenarios in mind. We NEED more optimists in this world!! So my advice to you.. Dont worry about what you have to do now but if you don’t try you will NEVER succeed! - brit